


Sanity Check

by Starlight713



Series: The Moments Between [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Breaking up is hard to do, But we all need to be accountable here, Canon Rewrite, Comfort/Angst, I reject your canon and substitute my own!, Kaidan is a sweetheart 2kForever, Other, Rewrite because bioware made this conversation awkward, peripheral sharkarian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 14:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13320435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight713/pseuds/Starlight713
Summary: They've come in and out of each other's lives so many times, and filled so many roles for each other, that they really need to sit down and figure out where they stand.*Rewrite of the break-up scene between Shepard and Kaidan--no Kaidan bashing please!





	Sanity Check

                “I forgive you for cheating on me.”

                “ _Excuse me?”_ She thought she was imagining things. Adrenaline rush so fast it was like she’d been shot in the arm. Heat flashed up into her cheeks, sharp and immediate. Forgive. Her. For cheating. Cheating _._ Of all the things, _cheating._ After everything—

                She took a deep breath through her nose, held it for a count of ten, and refocused. Okay. Not how she thought this conversation would go, but that was the theme in her life, she supposed. She leveled a look at him and, like usual, he was watching for what she’d do.

                “Cheating?”

                “I forgive you. I know it must have been hard after everything. I just want to understand—”

                “Kaidan Alenko, I had just been brought back from the dead.” _And you weren’t there,_ she wanted to say. Rae was ready to be mad—he’d already had the chance to question her judgement; she wanted her turn to ask him why in the hell he didn’t believe her. She wanted to snap at him. She worked to keep her voice level. “I was fighting the Collectors without any Alliance help, any Council support, and alongside the organization that killed my squad on Akuze. I need more than “it must have been hard.””

                “Shepard—”

                “We _broke up._ You told me that I wasn’t human.”

                “I was upset.”

                “I would count that as a break-up, Alenko. You told me I wasn’t human.”

                “I waited for you.” He looked down at the table. Drummed his fingers. “After I saw you were alive. I waited for you.”

                “I didn’t ask you to.”

                “You don’t get it, do you?” He made a low noise in the back of his throat. “You don’t just _get over_ Shepard, you know that, right? You’re _Rae_ _Shepard_. Of course I waited for you after Horizon.”

                “I didn’t ask you to wait for me, Kaidan.” She held her beer tight, the cool glass steadying her.

                “In the hospital…I just thought there was a chance.”

                “I told you that I’m with Garrus.” Her tone was flat. “I didn’t lie to you.”

                “I know, I know. I suppose part of me just thought there might still be a chance for us.” His fingers fidgeted against the napkin under his glass, tearing it a bit at the corner. He pushed the torn sections back together like he could fuse them if he just tried hard enough. Kaidan the fixer. That’s what she’d liked about him so much in the first place. He wanted to fix everything, no matter how broken, and no matter how many pieces it came in. She felt the steam trickle out her ears, leaving her warm. Softer. There hadn’t been communication. He’d sent her away. She’d left. He’d written her an e-mail, and she’d never responded. They never _had_ nailed the whole “talking” thing. She set a hand over his.

                “Kaidan, you know you are one of my best friends in this universe, but I love Garrus, and that’s that.”

                “I can’t help but feel like things would be different if I had gone with you on Horizon.” His thumb stroked over the side of her hand. Gentle as ever. He could see a whole world she couldn’t—a world where she betrayed him, turned to a shady organization and leveraged her power to fight an enemy no one else could see. A world where he didn’t realize he was wrong until too late, but found her again and didn’t make the same mistake the second time around. A world where they came back together right where they left off, like nothing had happened, and like neither of them had changed. But they had changed, and his world wasn’t hers anymore. She hadn’t expected that to sting.

                “Who knows,” she sighed “But I don’t think they would be. You’re still one of my closest friends, but I can’t give you anything more than that, and I won’t apologize for it.”

                “I loved you, you know. Still do.” He looked at the tumbler in his hand, watching the ice clink against the walls of the glass. “Always will.”

                “Kaidan—”

                “I’m not saying it to make you feel guilty. You love me too, just not quite the way I’d like you to. I know. It’s no one’s fault; that’s just how it is.” He looked up at her and she had a sudden memory—standing on the crew-deck of the SR-1, talking to the man with the softest, warmest brown eyes. Unconfident, handed a ship and a Spectre position without anyone to tell her what that would really mean, but those warm eyes believed in her. She liked him a lot back then. But she loved him now. He was right, though. Not the way he would want her to.

                “I just wanted to say it because there may not be another chance, you know? I hope there is, but if there isn’t, I just needed you to know.” People passed around them, but they were completely alone, in a little world that consisted of this one table overlooking construction. He took a deep breath, a small smile on part of his face, eyes far away. For a long moment, he was completely still. She supposed it was only strange because the Kaidan in her memory always tapped his foot or jiggled his leg or drummed his fingers. Too full of frenetic energy. His eyes slid closed for a second. Another breath.

                “You’re one of my best friends, Kaidan. I love you too.”

                “I…appreciate that, Shepard.” He clasped her hand and looked her in the eyes for the first time in what felt like a while. “I’m honored to have you as a friend.”

                Something warm choked her—a squeeze in her throat. She had missed Kaidan’s quiet company; she hadn’t truly realized it until now. She was glad Garrus had pushed her into talking with him.

                Kaidan sat back in his chair and gazed out over the broken Presidium. Part of her really did wish that she loved him the way he wanted. For all his stubbornness and brooding, Kaidan was one of the strongest, most compassionate people she knew. She sipped down the rest of her beer and looked at him again. He seemed to read her mind, because he set his glass down and looked back up at her with a half-smile. He gave her hand a tender squeeze before letting go.

                “It’s good to _really_ have my friend back, after all this time.”

                 “Yeah, well.” She rolled her empty beer bottle between her palms. One sentence, and she already felt lighter. That was Kaidan—the peacemaker. The best friend she could ever ask for. She breathed out. The galaxy was going to hell, but at least she and Kaidan could meet each other in the middle. “You’ll lose her again if you make her drink alone, Alenko.”

                He laughed—that little chuff of a noise in the back of his throat, like he always did. Kaidan picked up his whiskey again, held it up. Amber light rippled over the table, reflecting the artificial sunlight overhead. Rae clinked the lip of her beer bottle against the rim of the glass.

                “To old friends.”

                “To old friends.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! I hated this break-up in the game. It was so upsetting to see Kaidan, who is usually very sweet and understanding, call Shepard a cheater without acknowledging that he also left her in a way. Not to say he was wrong not to trust her, given what he knew and didn't know at the time, but it seemed so out of character for Kaidan to accuse Shepard of cheating out of the blue after everything that happened. Anywho! I'm ranting. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! As always, comments and critiques are welcome! Want to be Tumblr buddies? I'm here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/starlightwrites
> 
> Much love! <3


End file.
